...

tattoo

2006-01-31T08:28:10Z

Yay for tattoos

2006-01-30T06:13:38Z

I just got "Gnothi Seaton" (know thyself in Greek) tattooed on my wrists.

So

2006-01-14T04:34:09Z

I have a sore throat, bronchitis, and an ear infection. Everything hurts, the world is spinning, and I can't eat.

But for the first time in my life I'm not shaking. Seriously, the doctor gave me some pills for it.

It's days like today...

2006-01-10T19:12:30Z

...that I wish I had access to nukes.

There's no room for ethics

2006-01-10T19:00:19Z

I hate shady people. I hate listening to my friends plan out who they're going to cheat on their girlfriends with, I hate how they lie and steal, and I hate how I can never tell when they're telling the truth.

People are shit.

Happy New Year's and shit

2006-01-01T09:43:14Z

There goes getting laid before I leave for my road trip.

I want amnesia

2005-12-30T05:48:23Z

or fugue.

Party last night

2005-12-24T08:13:34Z

So there was a party last night, complete with liquor and special brownies. By 1:00 am the party was abruptly discontinued due to the smell of vomit. But I made out with some random girl beforehand, so it was alright.

So yeah.. that shit

2005-12-24T07:50:05Z

It was lame. Like seriously lame. But I think I really needed to see how lame it was. If you'd like to make fun of it, go ahead, but otherwise there's no real point in reading it.

This is what happens when the internet goes out...

2005-12-24T07:46:50Z

(written from when I had no internet, and copied to here, as was the last entry)

I sit now in what was once my childhood room,
deprived of all the technological necessities of the modern day,
restricted to the thoughts that are mine and mine alone,
infantile as they may be

I find myself wondering over and again how such sincere eyes,
so brilliant a mind, in combination with so caring a heart,
might bring about such unhappiness

Moreover, I wonder how I could have once thought it possible
that I might gaze into such eyes, to match such mental prowess,
and yes, to pierce such a heart

What's worse, I wonder if, had I spoken or acted differently,
if I would again be able to touch those soft lips,
to stare into those beautiful eyes,
to see them staring back at me with passion and serenity

Desire, oh what a cunning and sickly anthropomorphism you are!
How you weave your web,
entangling so many in countless discordant paths!

How is it that one can so blindly fall into your clutches,
forsaking all sensibility for blurry visions of unlikely destinations?
What meaning can come from these waking dreams of pleasant impossibilities?

Why is it that you must overstay your welcome,
to so impudently refuse to leave when asked to do so?

Why do you force grown men to write of such childish infatuations,
to fill volumes of text with poetry so destitute from want of writing talent?

Emotions are crap and I'm lame

2005-12-24T07:23:24Z

Why is it that, in all my years of life on this world, with all that I've seen and all that I've experienced, that I find my emotions to be so infantile? My irrationality never ceases to amaze me, nor does my naivety. How is it that I find my actions so irrational, yet I'm so overly rational in my observation of others? Hos is it that my emotions have such strength as to completely override logic and reason?

I'm speaking, of course, about a girl. More precisely, I'm writing about my infatuation with a woman who has no interest in me, nor has she ever. We kissed, she and I. Several times. She said she didn't want any strings attached. I should have known I couldn't live up to such a deal, but I knew it would be the closest I would get to my improbable daydream.

I screwed up. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe it doesn't even matter. But I did fail.

If only I hadn't kissed her. If only I hadn't become so enamored with the thought of her. I have nothing more than "what ifs", combined with a fragile and apologetic friendship most likely offered only out of pity.

I've kissed several girls since her. I didn't feel anything. I can't understand what is so special and appealing about her, or why I can't seem to take this rejection gracefully.

I liked her. I actually cared about her. And I knew at the very instant I became aware of these things that I was destined to fail.

I now officially have a BS degree

2005-12-17T21:06:03Z

So I had my graduation ceremony today. My dad refused to go to it. Why? Well, I was running about 10 minutes late, and he told me that I wasn't going to make it on time. So I said that I would be there in plenty of time, and then pointed out a typo on the letter the school sent that actually claims a different time for the ceremony, and as such I was not entirely sure if it was an hour later than the time listed. He told me I would have found out if I had cared. I responded, saying that I didn't care about the ceremony, that it was all for him and my mom. So he told me I might as well not go, and that he wasn't going. Fucker. The shittiest thing is that he's still being an asshole about it. He still thinks he was right.

Fuck it. I'll be 2000 miles away in less than a month.

Oh

2005-12-14T20:57:52Z

So I got hit on at Denny's last night. She was relatively attractive, and quite suggestive about what she seemed to want. Too bad she's in high school, which means she's probably kinda young... Heh, or maybe I just don't care, I'm not really sure.

Heh..

2005-12-14T20:37:43Z

In my mind I've already left. One more month and I'm going to finally be free of Oklahoma. Then it's road trip time... I'm gonna spend the rest of my time here working, hanging out with friends, and making out with random girls. Then I'm hitting the road, travel for a few weeks or maybe a month, find a place I like, and get an apartment there. And probably get some ink along the way.

I feel free, even though I'm not. Yet...

Get in touch with me if you want to hang out and you live west of Oklahoma.

Haha fucked up!

2005-12-12T10:52:48Z

What the fuck? So I was reading this thing some philosophy professor and this one friend of mine referred me to, and it much akin to the kind of thing I imagine a young German might have heard during the 1930s, only diluted to a great degree. You see this was basically trying to convince people with ADD that they were living in a corrupt, polluted world... This was seriously fucked up. And the thing about it is, I bought it because two people whose opinions I at least moderately respect referred me to this author. I'm quite upset about that. And now I have to throw away a book. Or burn it.. Heh. .. .

Oh, the book was by Thom Harttman. Yeah. I'm a dumbass.

Changing Focus

2005-12-11T13:17:41Z

I just finished reading Me Talk Pretty One Day. It was an interesting book. He made it seem like sitting down and listening to someone's stories, the kind you would't really care to actually hear, but that might end up weird or interesting. Although some of his stories are genuinely interesting, it amazes me how much money can be made off of writing down random-ass stories and collecting them in a book. The first 150 pages were a lot more interesting than the last 70, just like someone's stories get more boring as they use up all their good ones. He does a good job with most of the stories, though. But anyway, the point is, it put me in the mood to write down pointless random-ass self-indulgent stories of my own. Yeah, I'm narcissistic. And I'm probably going to do more. It's a boring read. Seriously.

Changing Focus

Ever since I can remember, my parents always tried to push me into their respective ideals of the perfect son. My dad always pushed me towards science and math. My mom always tried to push me toward being normal. I tended more toward science. My parents always seemed to be proud of me back then. I found most everything to be pretty easy, and found myself bored and lonely enough (being both an only child and relatively unpopular at school) that I actually ended up learning C++ in my free time at the age of 11. I had already become an avid console gamer at the time, having a Nintendo, Super Nintendo, SEGA Genesis, and even an Atari 2600 (which apparently belonged to my dad before I was born), and I became enamored with the idea of designing video games, of making my own!

I went to my dad's bookshelf, and found a book on C++. After several weeks of struggling with the material, my dad informed me that I was, in fact, reading a book aimed at programmers who know C, and are learning C++ as a superset of C. He then gave me a book on C. After a few weeks, I decided that I needed a new book, and proceeded to learn on my own. I learned slowly and intermittently, and often having to relearn everything I had learned before; however, I did manage to write my own video games after a while. I remember writing a few when I was 13, including a DirectX pong clone, and a few DOS pong clones and a decent start of a shooter, and of course, all of them in C++.

I know I mention C++ a lot. That's mainly because I'm a nerd. Basically, for those that care (and anyone that doesn't, by all means skip to the next paragraph), I have a big problem with the direction software development is going in. I don't like the black box architectures offered by the likes of java or C#, and it annoys me that I have to work with them.  In my job, almost all my programs involve converting custom data to other formats of custom data. I absolutely hate not being able to access the data directly, and that's exactly what java and C# and most all of the languages that have come out in recent years have gravitated toward. Yes, I realize that my case may not be representative of the majority of programming tasks, but it doesn't change the fact that I get pissed off every time I have to write 200 lines of C# code when I could have written 40 lines of C++ code to do the same job, faster.

Around the ninth grade, my interest in making video games had waned. Video games had come a long way since I was 11. The new video games that were coming out seemed to signal an end to the video game arena that I was so eager to join.  3D graphics and multi-hundred-thousand-dollar budgets would become a requisite by the time I was competent enough to join the "industry." The days of the lone programmer sitting in his basement, coming up with the next hit game all by himself, were no plausible. I'll grant that the games now are far superior on the technical aspect... But video games in general sort of lost their charm after that, at least to me. Given my nerdly skill set and my disillusionment with my motive for developing said skill set, I began to look into manners in which I could abuse what I know.

I came upon the hacker culture. I really liked the idea of breaking into computers. It really appealed to me for some reason. I read for hours and hours on how different exploits work. I attended hacker conventions (consequently being the first time I had ever actually been completely drunk). Although I was very interested in how the exploits worked, I never seemed to care to actually use them. The only thing I really did as far as "hacking" goes was to disable the security on the school computers, and to put backoriface on the computer teacher's computer. Although most of it was "script kiddyish" in nature, some of the stuff was relatively complicated (and undocumented), particularly the flavor of security they had on it (it blocked out most everything, including all but authorized executables). I was too paranoid to do anything that might actually land me in jail... At least when it came to the computer.

When I started college, I was somewhat pissed off that I was forced to take Beginning Programming. I didn't want to learn Pascal, and I thought it was a waste of time. And I had no problem saying so in class. I was a complete ass, but I didn't realize it. I just knew I didn't like Pascal, and by extension I didn't like the person trying to teach it to me. I always went too far with everything like that. I developed it as a social script to try to appear extroverted, and I don't realize the way I act when I do it. Thus I end up offending mass numbers of people without even realizing it, some to the point of causing people to avoid class because of me. But that's aside from the point. When I took Programming I, my professor hated me, and the feeling was mutual. Why did she hate me? Because I didn't need her class. She was pissed off that I got A's on all her tests but I never came to class. But that's not why I hated her; actually, I kind of enjoyed it when she sneered at me and handed me my paper with "99%" written on it. No, the reason I hated her was the documentation she required for the programming assignments. In the real world, programmers only document places that need to be documented. She wanted 3 paragraphs of comments to describe the purpose and design of the program, along with a paragraph for each function. I once wrote my summary of the program in Biblical form, just to see if she noticed. When I received my graded printout, however, I saw nothing but the standard red check mark. It amazed me how she could miss things like "On the first day, The Programmer created main(), and he saw that it was good" could go completely unnoticed, particularly when highlighted with asterisks... Then again, perhaps she did notice, and simply didn't respond. I doubt it though... She was quite religious, and made that clear in class every chance she got. If she had actually read it, I doubt it would go unheard in the classroom, much less on paper.

In my sophomore year I took an Introduction to Philosophy class. After the frustration and boredom of my CS classes, I had finally found a place where people had interesting things to talk about. On top of that, this was a place where you might actually be able to raise your grade if you could produce a decent argument for raising said grade. I began to shift my focus towards philosophy, much to the dismay of my parents.

My dad told me once when I was 12 that when I go to college, I better not get a liberal arts degree. "The hell if I'm gonna pay for a degree in philosophy!" He told me. And that generally sums up his opinion of philosophy. So, given his extreme bias towards science, and his extreme hatred of all things philosophical, it was quite a shock to him to learn that his only son had lost interest in programming as a career and was planning to pursue philosophy instead. He and I speak on somewhat hostile grounds now because of it. My dad, a hardcore Republican, always assumed that, since I'm interested in philosophy, I must be a "liberal", and of course that liberals are by their very nature evil, wicked creatures. I'm no liberal, nor am I a conservative; I tried to tell him this, but he just never seemed to get it. I suppose I also argued with him a lot... I can't help it, I like to argue.

Moving?

2005-12-09T21:01:06Z

So in a couple weeks I'll be getting my inheritance check. It should be a few thousand dollars. I think I'm going to use the money to take a road trip and find a place to live, rent an apartment, and move all my stuff. I'm really thinking about Las Vegas... There is a decent demand for computer programmers there, and the pay seems to be pretty good. Not to mention that, if I get a house out there, the property value increases faster than the rate of loan payment. In addition, Vegas has a lot of stuff to do at night, which is a good thing if you're an insomniac (and I am). I'm also thinking about Seattle, Vancouver, and Portland.

Basically, I need to get out of Oklahoma. I want to travel and see the world a bit before I go back to grad school. I hope I actually finish that... But right now getting out of Oklahoma is more important to me. I'll miss my friends... But I don't think many of them are staying around much longer anyway.

Hrm.

2005-12-08T21:00:31Z

So it occurs to me that I no longer really have interests. I have things I used to be interested in that I talk about as if they were genuine interests, but that's about the extent of it. I really need hobbies. I've given them up mainly due to school, work, and various other necessities that have left me with the impression that I don't have time to do anything. But I will be graduating in a little over a week. After that I may actually have some free time again. It looks like I'm going to have to start all over with music... I'm getting really bored of the stuff I used to listen to. I still like most of it, but I'm bored with punk. And I hate most everything that's currently popular. Which means I'll need to dig for music again.

I guess I should try to give video games another chance too. I really used to enjoy them. And reading. I used to do a lot of that. I don't know. To be honest, I just don't seem to enjoy those things or much of anything else anymore.

I think I'm crazy. I think I've gone crazy in the last few years, or maybe I always have been. I've been acting really weird, and I don't know why. I know a lot of it has been due to the adderall.. And the pot.. And the stupid shit I've done over the last couple years. I think I might have OCD... I sit and think about things to the point of obsession without any sort of understanding as to why. I'd like to try to go to an actual psychologist or psychiatrist, but from what I've seen, they're pretty much worthless. Which means I'm probably on my own on this one.

I need to get out of my parents' house. I've been living here for a couple weeks and I can't take it anymore. I need to get away from them. I can deal with my parents not approving of me. But I can't deal with being reminded of it 10 times a day. I'm starting to remember why I left in the first place. What sucks is that my parents guilt me into staying when they obviously don't seem to want me here. It makes no sense.

Well shit, this sucks

2005-12-06T21:15:52Z

So the girl I had a date with Friday told me she doesn't want to go on a date anymore. This kinda sucks. I thought she was a really cool person. I'm not like pissed off or anything. I understand. I mean, I'm pretty lame. But yeah... I didn't even get a shot. Oh well, I should have expected as much.

Wanna read my paper for philosophy of religion?

2005-12-06T01:51:35Z

Alright.. Let me know what you HONESTLY think... I wanna fix it up to the point that I could get it published so I can get nice grants for grad school.

Western thought has long been fascinated with the concept of Free Will. This is largely a result of the dominating Judeo-Christian (mostly Christian) Theology. Nearly all Christian doctrines assert that there is one God, and that this God endowed his favorite creation, humanity, with complete freedom of choice and a corresponding ultimate responsibility for each freely chosen decision. The pathos of this contention of Free Will is undeniable; however, logical problems arise when trying to reconcile the concept of Free Will with another deeply imbedded tenant of Christian Theology, the belief that God is omniscient (all knowing) as well as omnipotent (all powerful) and omnibenevolent (all loving). If God knows the future with absolute certainty, as divine omniscience implies, how can it be that human beings are free to choose their own actions? How can human beings have a choice if there is only one possible outcome? Theologians have been trying to reconcile the apparent incompatibility of Free Will and divine omniscience for thousands of years with dubitable success. Although many Theologians have created models which seem to sustain some sort of Free Will, none have succeeded in retaining both Divine Omniscience and Libertarian Free Will, which maintains that free agents act within an Indeterministic framework which God does not have direct control over.

The debate over the issue of Free Will has grave implications for other issues of Theology such as the Problem of Evil, which is beyond the scope of this essay. The essential problem of Free Will continues to inspire philosophers to this day, as the logical soundness of such arguments is a continued source of debate. This essay is aimed at showing how divine omniscience is irreconcilable with any form of Free Will worth having, that (Libertarian) Free Will and Determinism are mutually exclusive, that Free Will is completely unverifiable even if it exists, and finally cover the idea of Free Will as a conceptual model instead of an assertion about the nature of the Universe.

Terms and Definitions

Free Will in general usually maintains at least two suppositions: that events are evitable, that is, that they can be avoided or subverted by the agent, and that actions are freely chosen, that the will or resolve of an agent determines the choice that agent makes in any given circumstance.
This essay deals with the issue of Free Will from a Libertarian standpoint. In regards to Free Will, Libertarianism does not refer to a political standpoint, but rather the assertion that human beings are free agents; in other words, agents who make their own decisions out of an array of (perhaps infinite) possible decisions. Libertarians maintain that human beings are both free in choosing every action, and they are ultimately responsible for every decision they make.

Determinism is the stance that all temporal events unfold in only one direction. Under Determinism, the future is fixed in much the same way as the past and the only substantial difference between the two is temporality: one (the past) has already occurred, while the other (the future) has yet to occur. Indeterminism, the opposite of Determinism, is the stance that the future is not fixed, and that there is more than one possible future.

In addition to the definition of Free Will described in the first paragraph of this section, the Libertarian conception of Free Will maintains that, in order to have complete freedom, the Universe must be Indeterministic. If there is only one possible future, then Free Will is nothing more than an illusion, a false belief that free agents can choose their own destinies. Suppose an agent makes a decision D at time T. Could the agent have acted otherwise? For Libertarian Free Will to exist, the agent must be able to decide NOT decision D at time T. That is to say, for every decision in the past, it must have been possible for the agent to have chosen otherwise, and more importantly, for every decision in the future, the agent must have absolute control over his or her decision making process.

It should be noted that Indeterminism in and of itself does not necessarily imply Libertarian Free Will. Random chance (such as the introduction of Quantum Physics) does not constitute a meaningful representation of Free Will. In order for Libertarian Free Will to be true, the Indeterminism of the Universe must depend, at least partially, on free decisions made by free agents. As David Hume puts it, “The random behaviour of atoms certainly does not by itself make for the freedom and moral responsibility asserted by libertarians.”

With that said, we may now assert that the Universe is either Deterministic or Indeterministic, as the future is either entirely fixed, or it is not. In addition, we may assert that Libertarian Free Will either exists or it does not exist; we either could have chosen otherwise, or we could not. If Determinism is true, Libertarian Free Will is false. If Libertarian Free Will is true, Determinism is false. If Indeterminism is true, Libertarian Free Will may be either true or false.
This essay assumes the proposition that the only “true” form of Free Will, the only type of Free Will worth discussing, is Libertarian Free Will. Any model that does not allow for an agent to have acted differently than he or she actually acted at time T implies that such a decision was not free because the agent could only perform one possible action at time T.

Compatibilist Arguments for Free Will

Some theologians have argued that, although God has complete knowledge of the future, human beings are in fact in control of their choices. This stance is called compatibilism, or “soft determinism.” Compatibilist arguments claim that the omniscience of God is compatible with the concept of Free Will, and that the apparent contradiction arises merely from a conceptual misunderstanding of Free Will. Compatibilist arguments need not necessarily assume the existence of God, however most proponents of this position argue it as an attempt to reconcile the Doctrine of Omniscience with the Doctrine of Free Will (David Hume and Daniel Dennett are notable exceptions). There are many varieties of Compatibilist arguments. Some such arguments suggest that God does not intervene in human affairs, and thus His knowledge of the future has no bearing on human choice (Deism), others claim that Free Will is merely the freedom to choose an act, not the freedom to circumvent God’s foreknowledge, while still others maintain that human beings have absolute freedom, but God has “middle knowledge,” that is, God knows every future for every possible action taken by a free agent (Molinism). There are many more such Compatibilist arguments, and adequate coverage of all of them would likely require an entire library devoted to the subject; however a few of the more interesting models are discussed below.

One interesting Compatibilist argument holds that God’s foreknowledge is misunderstood as being applied in a temporal sense. The early Christian theologian Boethius contended that God exists outside of time, experiencing all of Creation in a single, timeless instant. As such, God does not know the “future,” but rather He knows His “eternal present.” Although this conception of God’s “foreknowledge” appears on the surface to subvert the logical problem of Free Will, it has dire implications: if God exists outside of time, then it appears that God does not intervene in history. If this is the case, then God is not a personal God, but merely something akin to the Deist conception of God: a God who merely creates the Universe and sets it in motion. Furthermore, God’s lack of temporality does not appear, upon further examination, to circumvent the Deterministic property of omniscience: that God does not know the future within a temporal sense does not actually modify the assertion that God knows the future.

The traditional Compatibilist argument, which assumes that God’s foreknowledge can coexist with Free Will, is intuitively and emotionally appealing. Under this model, God can know the future with absolute certainty, and yet human beings are free in every action. The problem with this view is that, in order to accept such an assertion, one must relinquish the degree of personal control maintained by Libertarian Free Will. Nelson Pike shows in his work “Divine Omniscience and Voluntary Action” that, if God has absolute foreknowledge, then the Universe is Deterministic, since time can only unfold in the direction God foresees, and thus there is only one possible future. If there is only one possible future, then “free agents” are not really free, but something akin to puppets on a string. In order to have absolute Libertarian Free Will, agents must not be confined to the decisions God foresees, whether He influences these decisions or not.

Molinism is another interesting take on the issue of Free Will. Molinism holds that God knows how every agent would act under every circumstance. Under Molinism, God has “middle knowledge” of the future; although He “knows” the future, God also knows how every agent would act under every circumstance. Thus, God knows not only how an agent A will react at time T under circumstance C, but He also knows how A will react at T under circumstance C1, C2, C3, etc. In this model, our choices are Determined, but our options are open… Sort of. The Libertarian will still maintain, however, that if agents are free, then they must be able to choose any possible action. If God knows how an agent will react under every circumstance, then that agent is far from free to choose otherwise.

Process Theism is yet another issue we must concern ourselves with. Process Theism states that God is not all-powerful in the strict sense, but rather that God is evolving in much the same way as we are. Process Theism does not require Divine Omniscience, and thus an Indeterministic model of the Universe is possible given this view. Furthermore, even if the Universe is Deterministic, God does not know the future with absolute certainty, and thus a slightly modified conception of Libertarianism is possible, since, although the Universe may be Deterministic, no entity has any true knowledge of the future. The problem with Process Theism lies in its assertion that God exercises His influence on the world through coercion. This means that God applies pressure to the wills of free agents in order to achieve His goals. This is contrary to the idea of Libertarian Free Will, as the decisions of a given agent are only partially free, regardless of the level of freedom available to the agent. In addition, under Process Theism, we may assume that God has at least a probabilistic version of foreknowledge. Under the Libertarian conception, this would mean that an agent’s freedom is indirectly proportional to God’s foreknowledge. That is to say, as God’s knowledge of the future increases, the agent’s “absolute freedom” decreases.

In Freedom Evolves, Daniel Dennett presents the idea of Free Will from an evolutionary design standpoint. Dennett rejects the traditional conceptions of Determinism and Free Will. He argues, first of all, that the issue of Determinism vs. Indeterminism has no essential bearing on Free Will; rather, freedom is the ability to avoid possible situations, the ability to adapt to one’s environment, and the ability to modify one’s future decisions based on past experiences. According to Dennett, the purpose of Free Will is not to allow an agent to choose differently at time T, but rather to learn from the decision and make a more informed choice at time (T+n) under a similar circumstance. Dennett argues that the Libertarian notion of Free Will is an oversimplification of a deeply involved, likely Deterministic, yet highly unpredictable process. Even if we were to establish that at time T agent A could have chosen differently than he or she actually did, this does not solve the problem of evitability, nor does ensure that Indeterminism is a result of choice as opposed to mere chance. Although this conception of Free Will is rather interesting and “outside the box,” it is far from giving us a view compatible with Libertarianism.

Theistic Notions of God Negate Free Will

Despite all this discussion of attempted Compatibilist arguments, we are still left with the basic understanding that Libertarian Free Will cannot coexist with Divine Omniscience. An interesting consequence of this is that an atheistic model is actually slightly better suited to providing the possibility of Libertarian Free Will.

Suppose there is no God. If there is no God, there is no Divine Foreknowledge. If there is no Divine Foreknowledge, then the Universe is potentially Indeterministic. If the Universe is potentially Indeterministic, then Libertarian Free Will is a distinct possibility. Is it a likely possibility? Probably not. If the Universe is Indeterministic, the Indeterministic element is more likely some sort of lower-level natural phenomenon, perhaps involving quantum fluctuations, superstrings, or some other element of theoretical physics. Nonetheless, Libertarian Free Will is an open possibility if the Theistic God does not exist, whereas it is not a possibility if the Theistic God does exist.

Verifiability of Determinism and Libertarian Free Will

The irony of the Determinism vs. Indeterminism debate is that neither is actually verifiable. That is, the only way to determine if agent A could at time T under circumstance C make a decision contrary to the one he or she actually made, is to travel back in time. But even if time travel were possible, that would not be an option, because, according to Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle (which is actually applicable here since the Indeterminacy may likely involve quantum variables) the observation of A at time T would modify circumstance C. Thus, it would never be possible to determine with absolute certainty whether or not agent A could have chosen differently at time T under circumstance C.

Given this, we may say that the issue of Libertarian Free Will is completely inconclusive. The truth value of Indeterminism, and hence the truth value of Libertarian Free Will, cannot be verified, even under highly theoretical thought experiments. You could perhaps maintain that God, in His ability to observe without interfering, would be able to discern the answer. But this merely presents more logical problems, as we have already determined that Divine Omniscience is completely incompatible with Libertarian Free Will.
What is Free Will?

Free Will is, in all likelihood, a misconception. It is unlikely that Libertarian Free Will exists. Libertarian Free Will is impossible under Theistic conditions, and unlikely given naturalistic assumptions about the Universe. It is unlikely that, if the Universe is Indeterministic, that the Indeterministic factor is based on the decisions of “free agents.” It is much more likely that any Indeterminism would result from some sort of physical Indeterminacy at the sub-atomic level. We could postulate that God exists, and simply does not have knowledge of the future, but then we must ask, “What kind of God does not at least have a probabilistic understanding of immediate future events?”

Libertarian Free Will as a Practical Conceptual Model

Now that we have determined that Determinism, and hence Libertarian Free Will, is unverifiable, we must now decide whether or not we should believe that such Free Will exists. Or is there another option? It happens that there is.

Why must we make a decision about the absolute truth of an unverifiable assertion? It is intuitively evident that to possess such freedom offered by Libertarianism would be a positive thing for any agent. But this does not entail assigning a truth value. In The Ethics of Belief, William Clifford asserts that it is morally wrong to hold a false belief. But why do we have to believe something that has pragmatic value in order to operate as if it were true?

Instead of blindly believing in Libertarian Free Will, we may borrow a concept from science: the idea of the Working Assumption. Regardless of whether or not we actually possess Libertarian Free Will (and we probably don’t), we can easily recognize that it is a simple, intuitive, and effective way of looking at life. It is easy to imagine that you are in control of your own destiny. The apparent advantages of such an assumption are obvious: an increased likelihood of asserting your intentions in life, an enhanced sense of well-being, and quite likely a better position in life resulting from operating under such an assumption. If you act as if you have Libertarian Free Will, you are more likely to assume that you can accomplish your goals, whatever they may be.

The greatest point of all is that you are not required to actually believe that you have Libertarian Free Will. A Working Assumption does not entail that you actually apply a truth value to the issue, but merely that you operate under the assumption that the assertion is true. This is analogous to quantum physics; quantum physicists rarely contend that their model is an accurate representation of the nature of the micro-universe, but rather state that it is an effective and coherent method of understanding what they know. Given the unverifiable nature of Libertarian Free Will, along with the lack of other models of Free Will that are as pragmatically effective, Libertarianism appears to be a viable and useful Working Assumption to operate under.

Classroom Blues

2005-08-25T16:00:49Z

So I started school Monday. I have a walking fitness class where I have to walk a mile twice a week. This would be no big deal were it not for the fact that I have to run a mile from my previous class to get there in time for attendance, and then have to walk a mile back to my car when it's over. Not fun when it's 95 degrees outside. I did see a one legged woman running really fast while I was in the gym though.

In my CS capstone course we have to design a video game. We have to use this Game Maker thing, so I can't build one from scratch. I lose a bit of creative control and a lot of application performance because of this, but those were the rules. Anyway, I'm project leader, and 2 of my 3 subordinates do not speak English fluently. Actually, one of them doesn't appear to speak at all.

My psychiatrist told me a month ago that she didn't know enough about ADD, so she sent me to a registered nurse. My appointment with the RN was yesterday, and I got this continuous release ritalin called Concerta. It's completely tamper proof, which is good because it'll keep me honest.

Letters to Debt Collectors

2005-08-04T19:35:12Z

Here's a letter I'm sending to a debt collection agency trying to take $1600 from me for fraudulent charges I received from a fraudulent apartment I used to live in a year ago. Tell me what you think..

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing this letter to inform you that I intend to formally dispute the amount of my debt owed to Oxford Oaks Apartments and/or any parent companies. I have been accused of owing cleaning fees, repair costs, cancellation fees, and unpaid rent.

First off, I am not liable for the full amount of $1616 because I am only one of three tenants on the lease. The other tenants, M--- C------ G--- and F---- E----- J------ are equally liable.

Second, I dispute lease cancellation fees because the air conditioner worked for only a few weeks of the time that I lived there. Numerous maintenance workers were sent, but none fixed these problems. This is a clear breach of contract, because, under Section 118 of the Oklahoma Residential Landlord and Tenant Act of 1978 (shown below), a landlord is required to provide air conditioning. Oxford Oaks failed to provide adequate air conditioning, even after numerous requests. There is also the issue of the flooding, which I elaborate on below. This falls under the category of providing fit and habitable conditions, and thus is further evidence of a breach of contract on the part of Oxford Oaks Apartments. I also experienced this in a previous Oxford Oaks apartment, but was assured by the Oxford Oaks staff that such experiences should no longer be an issue because they were under new management.

The third issue is that of cleaning fees. When the air conditioner malfunctioned, it cooled only the core of the unit, causing condensation which dripped from the unit, causing flooding which prevented me from accessing my bedroom without waterproof footwear. This is why items were left in the back two bedrooms. All items that were not considered vital were abandoned due to the flooding of the hallway and the subsequent difficulties retrieving items from the two rear bedrooms.

Fourth, I would like to discuss the issue of unpaid rent. Due to the fact that Oxford Oaks breached the lease agreement due to the air conditioning and flooding (which I have elaborated on above), I am not liable for any charges regarding this. I was told by the Oxford Oaks staff that I was responsible for the last month’s rent; however I did not even live there during this time. I was forced to leave due to the flooding and lack of air conditioning. I understand that the air conditioning was finally repaired during the last month, in which only F---- J------ lived there. I do not know if this is true or not, but I do know that the hallway was still flooded by the time I removed my possessions from the apartment.

Fifth, I would like to discuss the timing of this debt collection. When I left my Oxford Oaks apartment, I left all contact information. At the time I was willing to pay one third of the last month’s rent and one third of the cancellation fee, in order to avoid credit problems. I was told by Oxford Oaks staff that I would be contacted to arrange a payment plan. However, I was never contacted about my outstanding debt. In fact, it was not until I rented a new apartment in February that I discovered this “debt.” You see, it showed up as a hold on my credit report, and almost prevented me from getting my new apartment. This means that a period of at least seven months passed before I was notified of any debt, and the notification came not through Oxford Oaks, but rather through a credit report. I contacted Oxford Oaks to try to resolve the conflict, and I believe that is why they are trying to collect now. When I left, the Oxford Oaks staff’s behavior was somewhat apologetic. I believe the staff at the time did not want to pursue debt collection because I had a very strong case for not paying. Only now, when (more than likely) another agent who did not know the circumstances of the incident has Oxford Oaks decided to pursue debt collection.

Sixth, on the issue of repairs, I admit that I punched a hole through a door. I am willing to pay for the repairs of the door, and only the door. As the door was of poor quality, I am willing to pay a total of $80 for the door, on the conditions that all other debts be dropped. If these terms are not acceptable, I am fully willing to appear in court regarding this issue. If you do not intend to pursue legal action, do not contact me again regarding this matter.

As a side note, I would like to mention that I am not the only person who has complained about the maintenance of Oxford Oaks apartments. I have listed below several Internet hyperlinks which I have found since receiving the notification for intent to collect payments. There are few kind words about the maintenance quality at Oxford Oaks, and quite a few unkind words. Oxford Oaks appears to have a policy of providing illegally inadequate maintenance, and apparently simply hopes its residents are not intelligent enough to do anything about it.

Sincerely,

David Smith

SECTION 118. Duties of landlord and tenant

· A landlord shall at all times during the tenancy:

Except in the case of a single-family residence, keep all common areas of his building, grounds, facilities and appurtenances in a dean, safe and sanitary condition;
Make all repairs and do whatever is necessary to put and keep the tenant's dwelling unit and premises in a fit and habitable condition,
Maintain in good and safe working order and condition all electrical, plumbing, sanitary, heating, ventilating, air-conditioning and other facilities and appliances, including elevators, supplied or required to be supplied by him;
Except in the case of one-or two-family residences or where provided by a governmental entity, provide and maintain appropriate receptacles and conveniences for the removal of ashes, garbage, rubbish and other waste incidental to the occupancy of the dwelling unit and arrange for the frequent removal of such wastes; and
Except in the case of a single-family residence or where the service is supplied by direct and independently-metered utility connections to the dwelling unit, supply running water and reasonable amounts of hot water at all times and reasonable he-at.

Hyper links of Interest

http://www.apartmentreviews.net/rss/ok-edmond.xml

http://www.apartmentreviews.net/ratings/ok-edmond-oxford-oaks7443.htm

http://www.apartmentratings.com/rate/OK-Edmond-Oxford-Oaks-Apartments.html

Delusions of Grandeur

2005-07-29T17:19:17Z

Through the majority of my life I have felt an inexorable urge to believe that I'm somehow special. I have always felt that I was somehow different from others, that my social impediments were the result of some extremely abnormal type of genius. I felt that my acute understanding of the world must afford me some mental power which others do not possess.

In truth, however, I'm just weird. I know that I do in fact have memory retention problems, and these lead to social embarrassment, however I am no longer convinced that this is any sort of uniquely empowering attribute. I am more proficient than most when it comes to pattern recognition, and I believed this to be a greater indicator of 'real' intelligence than memory. I now believe, however, that I have been wrong in this respect.

You see, I am capable of a great many accomplishments that are often associated with those of exceptionally high intelligence (well-written papers, abstract thinking, high standardized test scores, etc.), but my 'intelligence' is really just a form of cheating. I am very good at accomplishing specific goals if I have a vested interest in doing so. I'm very good at researching my subject to the extent that it helps me complete an immediate goal. Unfortunately, I tend not to retain knowledge that I gain from the completion of my various school and work projects, and often I forget how I even completed my goals in the first place. I rarely remember how a program that I wrote works if I have to go back and fix a bug, and I can often read a research paper I wrote only weeks before, and not even realize that I'm the author.

This system has carried me through high school and most of my Bachelor's degree, but I'm finally discovering that my low memory retention is going to severely obstruct any aspirations I have for graduate school. I used to rely on intuition to carry me through school, but I have finally reached the point in school where I can no longer bullshit my way through tests and research papers, and I simply don't have the capacity to keep up.

I suppose it shouldn't be much of a surprise. I know I've always come off as somewhat distant, and most people tend to think I'm a little slow. I always felt a certain pride when I would prove people wrong through my work. But now I'm no longer ahead of my peers, and I have little doubt that I'm slowly falling behind. In light of this, I feel it's time to reassess my direction in life.

About Me

2005-07-28T21:57:12Z

First off, I'm a dork. Ever since I was little, my interests have always been at least slightly eclectic. Throughout elementary and middle school I did little but read technical books and play computer games. I wanted to be a video game programmer, and I began programming when I was 11. I was a social outcast. In addition to simply being weird, I was also raised in an agnostic/atheist family in Oklahoma, where religious tolerance is not considered socially acceptable. I had a few friends, but fear and hate were the most common reactions expressed by those around me. In my freshman year of high school I was accused by the school officials, on multiple occasions, of conspiring to blow up the school.

Sometime around my sophomore year of high school I discovered the local punk scene. Now, at the time, to dress like a punk rocker was considered an act of deviance and depravity by almost all of the population. So, recognizing that I was already hated and feared, I decided that I might as well add some shock value, and perhaps at least get my enemies to fear me and leave me alone. And it worked, too. But I also developed a distinct interest in punk rock, as well as the culture that surrounds it, and it became a way of life for me for many years thereafter.

When I entered college, I began to use drugs fairly frequently. To my amazement, my school work actually improved with my increased drug usage. I was still very lonely, however, and I became obsessed with finding a girlfriend. About a year and a half ago I met my current girlfriend. This is my first serious relationship, and honestly I handled it fairly poorly. I became too attached too soon, and I made commitments I came to regret (such as living together after dating only 3 months). Since then my girlfriend has occupied almost all of my free time. I do love her, but I'm becoming frustrated and at times resentful about her place in my life.

I've also distanced myself from the punk scene, as I see it more as the anachronism that it really is, and because dressing like a punk rocker no longer breaks the social taboos that it used to where I live, and thus the thing that drew me to it in the first place is now gone. I also have distanced myself from computers. I get little enjoyment out of playing video games anymore, and I no longer enjoy programming. The problem with this is the fact that I am still a very good programmer, and it is my only marketable skill, and I'm only one semester away from graduating with a B.S. in computer science. So, currently I have no real driving force in life, because, for the first time since I was very young, I don't really know what I want to do with my life. I have focused too much on financial and professional success, and I'm finding that I have missed out on a lot in life. I'm now trying to focus on what makes me happy, rather than focusing on quantifiable measures of success.

First Entry

2005-07-28T20:10:24Z

Alright, so it's been a while since I've done anything in the way of blogging... In fact, the last time I actively kept up a blog, I had not ever heard of the term 'blog' before. Back then I had no problem writing down anything and everything on my mind. As time went on, however, I let too many friends read my blog, and the results were somewhat unpleasant. I found that I had to censor myself at various times to avoid upsetting my friends or revealing embarrassing information. This time, I plan to be more careful about such issues. But I'm digressing from my point, which is that the only time in my life that I can recall feeling even remotely mentally healthy was when I maintained a blog. Now, it may simply be the case that my perceived mental health merely coincided with my blogging, however I feel that writing down my thoughts every day played at least some role in making me feel better about myself, regardless of whether or not anyone read my blog.

Alright, so, what's on my mind? Well, I've been examining my life, and I'm not happy with how it's turning out. What's wrong with my life? Well, there's plenty of things: My career is a dead end, my hair is falling out, my girlfriend and I are having problems, etc. But to be honest, I think a lot of my problem is that I think I'm much more interesting than I really am. I talk about myself far too often, and for a much longer time than I ought to, which results in a tendency to bore people in conversation.

In addition, I've never been good about understanding social cues. I constantly have misunderstandings with people, often in situations where the message is blatantly obvious. This has prevented me from getting laid many times, including several in which girls I found attractive had directly propositioned me for sex. Several people have told me they think that I may be autistic, and given my level of social functioning, I would not rule out such a possibility. I've also been diagnosed with ADHD, which may also offer an explanation for my erratic behavior.

I'm hoping that writing at least once per day will allow me to collect and organize my thoughts, and to understand the events of my life more clearly. Through this I also hope to find direction in my life. Anyway, that's the first entry. I'll write more later.